Delicate Lady Di Orchid or Greater Bornean Venus Fly Trap

A very educational conversation I had with Shrek about The Glorious South:

Me:  I have a question.  Care to enlighten me?  If a certain gentleman (yes, I use the term very loosely) asks for a picture of – you know – The Glorious South, well how do I say "Hell no!" in a subtle way?  Or is this a completely normal request?  And if so, seriously?

Shrek:  Hey girl.  As to photos of the porno kind: they are pretty much standard nowadays.  Remember that guys are totally visual creatures, and given the fact that girls can look like anything from a delicate "Lady Di Orchid" to the "Greater Bornean Venus Fly-Trap", known not only for its fleshy coral lips but also its pungent smell, many men prefer to have something a little more substantial to look forward to, or to wank over ......  Just ensure that your face and fanny don't appear in the same frame and you are unlikely to receive a cheque in the mail from the amateur porn section of "Naughty Neighbours" Christmas 2011 edition.  Also note that he is likely to be flashing his shots of your fanny around to mates if you have no relationship or just the odd shag – only mothers, daughters, serious girlfriends and wives are sacred, unless of course you are Indian!  Bottom line – it can be a lot of fun as long as it is mutually beneficial to the both of you, with the added bonus of really defining the relationship as a sexual one primarily.  And you can always deny it belongs to you.

Me:  Thanks babe.  Very informative mail to say the least.  Btw, talking of photos, discretion is the key word, right?  (I just had a freaky image of you pulling out your iPhone tonight after a couple of drinks and showing your mates such photos).  Although I suppose us ladies - and again, I use the term very loosely - are pretty much free game once we have sent you guys photos, right?

Shrek:  At 42 years old, I would probably lose a lot of friends if I spent my time flashing fanny pics of random girls around the bar to my mates.  Not exactly a very mature thing to be doing now, is it?  If I was 24 however – you could be guaranteed that the whole of varsity would know exactly what your nibbly bits looked like within the day!  Be careful what you wish for though, you may get a pic of the ugliest dick on the planet back - put you off penises for months .... Bit of a minefield, this topic ......

Me:  Point taken.  And for the record, I’m good, thanks.  Don't have this insatiable urge to see every guy's tackle, funny as that may seem ...

x

"You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view."    

Maureen Lipman

I just want a gal to treat me like a crime scene

I feel a little bad. I have only been posting the train smashes, the horrors, the cringe-making messages I have received from guys on TSS.  And I really don't want to come across as a man basher.  So I thought it high time to share a couple of great profiles – ones literally had me laughing out loud – in a good way! 

Matt, 30 – without doubt one of the best profiles I have ever read:

Hopefully I stand out from the thousands of emails you have no doubt received and too save you time I’ve brought my profile to your inbox!
Reasons NOT to contact me:

1. I don't and have never owned a motorbike.

2. Your friends and family will probably like me more than you will. 


3. I've watched Mama Mia! 


4. I'm too honest. Perfect example I admit to watching Mama Mia! 


5. I may make you laugh so much that you pee in your pants and that's just embarrassing. 


6. My profile picture isn't a penis and I won't send you one unless you ask for one! Sorry that was supposed to be under the why you SHOULD get to know me category. O well it's said now I'm not taking it back. 



If you even got this far after my picture and you're still interested then let's chat!

(Yes. We have chatted.)

And then Wayne, 29 – short but to the point:

I just want a gal to treat me like a crime scene.

"For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. 

He who looks for it below there is wasting his time."

Isabel Allende

Best wedding photo ever

For some reason, the thought of a big white wedding fills me with dread. The kind of dread that extends to nightmares, where I wake up in a cold sweat, heart thumping, dry mouth – and then nothing but pure, unadulterated relief that it was all just a dream.

If I ever did get married, this comes close to the picture I have in my head.

Quinn Miller Photo + Design

"Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce."

x

It will chew you up and spit you out like an old chappie

I am sitting here listening to The Doors and Jim is singing:

 

"People are strange when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly when you're alone

Women seem wicked when you're unwanted

Streets are uneven when you're down

 ..."

Given the amount of drugs he took, he had some incredible moments of lucidity. 

And the soundtrack to my evening is rather apt considering that this website (TSS) is getting stranger and stranger (if that's possible).

I looked at Sean’s profile. Under his status, he has put "Unhappily Married" 

Ha ha. Serves you right, dude. Make your bed and all that. I don’t get these guys. Ever heard of divorce or maybe looking before you leap? Or therapy? Hell, just skip straight to sex therapy. Something - anything, please! Just don't expect ME to feel sorry for you and pick up your wife's sloppy seconds! (And btw, if you are unhappy, I can only imagine how she is feeling! And I know where my sympathy lies - with her, the wife of a philandering twit with no backbone - or morals for that matter.)

But then it gets weird. His pictures look kind of normal and then under 'Height' - wait for it: Below 5' (153 cm or less). Beyond weird. 

And as if his profile wasn’t strange enough, he throws this in after - of course - stating how hot he is:  

"Once had sex in a clothing store change room."

Umm, non sequitur anyone? Or am I just thinking too much again? 

Question for the evening: why is everyone so hooked on BBM numbers and Whatsapp?

Daniel from Sandton must have a VERY long tongue because he promised to: 

'lick it, suck it, kiss it, muff it and eat all of you, kiss you from the head to the toes'

...  After I give him my bbm code/no. or whatsapp name, of course.

Daniel. I don't have either. I like to control my intake off the Net. No BBM. No whattsap. And I am not about to run out and get either. I am quite frankly having enough trouble figuring out this stupid new iPad I just got.

But at least he was a little more forthcoming than Bon from Durban: 

"What will u like in a man?"

Anyone want to explain modal verbs to Bon? 

Or maybe he's French. In which case, isn't it a bit conceited to call yourself 'Good". 

But better I suppose than 'Chunky' from PMB .... eeeeww! The mental images that brings up!

Or Piet from Pretoria. All of 3 words: 

'You look nise.' 

Seriously? 

Okay, I don’t want to sound completely callous here. I DO understand we are living in a multi-cultural society where English is not everyone’s first language. But if you are going to send me a message like this, I would prefer it if you would revert to your mother tongue. I do speak Afrikaans, as well as Spanish and French. I am sure I can figure it out. Failing which, I can always Google Translate, which is preferable to … Well, I’ll let you judge: 

 

'HEATER sorry to hear about the bad mails u go  2) sorry about my spelling cause i am afrikaans so my engels is not that good? but must say that u are a sexy girl but it doesn't help to say it to show u that u are? I feel when it gets to sex that the girl comes first if she reach her peek the i worry about me due have my reasons for that so for play is inportent to me' 

Dude. I think that after reading that, no amount of 'FOR PLAY' in the world is going to get me in the mood.

And even less, after this clanger from Jack in Hillcrest (Jack, if you are reading this, one comment: sweetie, you might not be HIM per se but an opening line like this has something in common with the individual you just mentioned: it killed ANY desire I had to take the conversation any further. I just got scared): 

"hi. My name is jack (not jack the ripper lol ) how are you today?

"

But then there are the little gems here and there. Paulie, even though you look like you got parted from your Hells Angels Crew somewhere between Beit Bridge and Cape Town and ended up in Magalieskruin spending your time alternately drinking Klippies and Coke, avoiding having your hair cut, or going to the dentist, I still love you for your sense of humour:

 

'love your comments and ideas ... he he he . some of the women pics are so scary that you get the impression that "it" will chew you up and spit you out like an old chappie!  he he he x x x'

x 

“A man's grammar, like Caesar's wife, should not only be pure, 

but above suspicion of impurity.” 

Edgar Allan Poe 

Make love, not war

I really think its time to delete this account on TSS. No good is coming from it.

I have already had 4 major arguments … No. I can’t believe it either.

But two of them were from Johannesburg. And all were under the age of 35. Does that make it more understandable? I think so, considering the mental maturity of a male is supposedly at least 5 years less than that of a female’s.

Anyway, apropos of these chats that (quite quickly) degenerated into coming to blows, I am fast acquiring a distinct aversion to boys under the age of 30, especially those in the Gauteng area.

But am I being unreasonable?

Quick summary: this one boy emailed me from Joburg and, purely because he professed to be a “wordsmith”, I sent him a message and gave him my email address, stressing that, while I was not into long-distance anything, it might be cool to keep in touch purely to swap war stories / mutual amusement over the use of the English language on this site -- not seeing the gratification in sexting / webcam fun / whatever people 600 kms apart or more do with one another when meeting over a site like this.

I didn’t check my email the following day but was logged on here and saw that he was online too. So I winked at him. He replies with his phone number. Umm, what am I supposed to do with that? Seriously?? WTF am I supposed to do with some random’s phone number?? So I said as much ..… and pointed out that I give my number out rarely, if ever, and on top of that would never pay for anything relating to this site, let alone phone calls …

Oh, just read the mail for yourself:

‘Dude. 
I am kind of speechless.
 But I don't think you are going to see it from my point of view so ... I don't know why I am even bothering.
 But AS IF I am going to phone you.
 And I only give my phone number out after …. well, hardly ever really. Only to guys that I am actually about to or going to meet.
 Anyway, I did give you my email.
 And I don’t give that to just anyone either ....
 My rule of thumb is: maybe email.
 Then Gmail Chat 
….. and ….. rarely, if ever phone number .... 
I don't mean to sound conceited. But yes, I do get that many messages. And no, I would never pay for anything .... I don't pay for this site. 
I would never pay for a phone call to some random (however good his spelling) 
And that you think I would ...
. You still don't get it, do you?’

His reply?

I get it princess...moving on.

 You do come across as conceited. Bugger my spelling. I never expected you to call me. Thought we could chat via What's App or something, but as you say, why would you ever spend any money on someone else. I found your message witty that's why I replied, but since I'm sure your inbox is overflowing with compliments let me leave you to wallow in the awesomeness that is "Heather", and yes, you wasted your time messaging me.

Harsh? Or was I just asking for it?

And a couple of pointers, Steve 28 (and therefore mental age of about 23) from Very Far Away, from my point of view, one does not WALLOW in something as awesome as Heather. One REVELS in it.

Wallowing is something that hippos do.

Okay, so the dictionary says that to wallow is to “take swinish or gross delight in sensuality, etc” but first and foremost to “roll about in mud, sand, water, etc”, “place to which buffaloes, etc. resort to”.

1. I never wallow. I revel.

2. I am not a buffalo. I am 5.6 metres tall and weigh 54 kilograms. And the only thing I have ‘resorted to’ in my adult life is this site and the occasional line .…

Uurgh! I am bored with this already. But last thing: I am most definitely not conceited. I was simply stating a fact. On any given day I have between 5 to 50 messages / winks / favourites. And I know, without even looking into stats, that you guys far outweigh us girls on this site. So it was merely a fact, not a conceited opinion on my part.

Anyway, onto No. 2.

He was charming, nice photos. Okay, okay, I admit, his profile photos were so nice. Very tasteful: Not a piece of boerewors in sight but many allusions thereto … but before you can say “NSA”, he started asking for more photos and Skype chats, and phone numbers.

Um, demanding much?

Obviously, I declined. I mean, he’s in the Transvaal. I am in KZN. He’s a kid. Really? Am I really going to invest so much time and effort in a virtual relationship?

So I backed off and he instantly accused me of having a fake profile and not being who I professed to be.

Conversation-killer much, Craigv87?

But again, why would I want numerous photos of me out there floating on the WWW or to spend hours on end chatting to some one I don’t even know over Skype, especially a demanding pissy kid?

He said: 

‘Well with the number of people from the site who have given me the same excuses and then just vanished into obscurity once they have received a few pics I don't believe it was so outrages for me to ask.’

Hmmm. Two points:

1. ‘Outrageous’

2. I see a common denominator here. And it’s NOT me.

But here I still am.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for punishment …

On the plus side, the older guys from Gauteng are much more hands-on and pragmatic with all this: Offers of meeting for drinks / dinner when they are down here in KZN. At least that is realistic. But these kids from the next generation and their penchant for sexting / dirty sms’s / Skype chatting. Call me old-fashioned. But isn’t sex all about sex IN PERSON / dirtying the sheets, not your phone / videoing the act together not virtually stok aleen in front of a camera?

Now the question remains: dare I? Especially after the last complete SNAFU of a meeting.

"Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it's easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty."

LAURIE PERRY

x

That awkward moment when you bump into some one you actually know

I was waiting for this moment sooner or later. But I was hoping deep down it would never happen.

So I received one awesome reply to my latest Dear Diary post:

Balance

Your latest diary entry had me in stitches!!!

 You sound like you have not wandered the landmine that is online dating hookups for overly long so I Just thought I'd ease you into it. I'm responding to your points below: 



1) The sites are definitely linked so I always chuckle when I see women's profile and they're looking for a soul mate... it will just end in tears... I think you can disable that feature in your profile settings, failing which, the Admins can help you. 



2) No sex offenders list available to cross check with. 



3) We all get our thrills in different ways, and there are women who will happy sext me ad nauseam... I'd call them technophiles though. Not technophobes. 



4) If a guy doesn't get how to charm a woman in real life, it will translate to the same online, usually. 



5) We all have differing levels of maturity...

Oh, the wit, the wisdom, the succinct nature of it all. I could very well have found my match.

The problem? I know this person. Yup. Like KNOW-know him, call him a friend, have his number on speed dial when I am in Cape Town, that kind of thing.

Pause for: awkward silence.

I mean, as much as I want to answer him and get more advice … I do that in real life anyway, and … okay, I admit, I am a total coward. I don’t want my Super Secret Sexy Alter Ego to be discovered by anyone in my “real” life.

Oh well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. And I guess it could have been a whole lot worse. I could have received a message from some one I know in real life that was a whole lot more X-Rated than this!

Guess I have to be grateful for small blessings!

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to 

people I don't know. "

 

Garry Shandling

x

*Sigh*

So I am back on The Skanky Site (and therefore this blog - aka Dear Diary) since I find myself once again in the dastardly situation of being unemployed (read: incredibly bored).

And the honeymoon, I have to admit, is finally over. It all just seems like too much admin.

But, what can I say? 

Idle hands ... Devil's playground ... all that… 

But after a bit of musing over the whole nature of this online hookup game, I came up with these thoughts (with a little recap at the beginning) to post in my Dear Diary part of my profile on TSS:

So I came on this site because I don’t want to get into an emotionally fraught love affair and thought I could perhaps find a like-minded FWB. But this is turning out to involve a whole lot more admin than I previously anticipated.

1. This site seems to be linked to others such as “Married But Looking” thus it takes quite some weeding out the Conscience-Free Depraved Husbands Who Cheat On Their Cuckolded Unsuspecting Wives

2. I think maybe and then see the face pic and involuntarily cross myself and this site looks a whole lot more creepy (if that was possible)

3. Endless amounts of guys think that sexting, naked photos and being hundreds of miles away is really sexy. Sure. If you are a technophobic recluse with no social skills.

4. An almost equal amount of guys think that, despite not having a profile photo or even having completed their profile let alone having put in a summary about themselves, I am going to respond to a Wink. A wink?? Is that all you’ve got? … All I am thinking is: “If this is the best you can do online, I would hate to see your A-Game in the bedroom”.

5. Finally, even if this is an NSA hook-up site, it doesn’t mean that I pass my time watching porn or that I am a raging whore. And yes, Steve 31 from East London, I am talking to you.

Word of advice to other guys: this kind of message, the gem that Steve sent me, is not as sexy as you might like to think it is. Or is this just the kind of stuff I should expect? If so, I am this close to deleting my profile.

“big hard cock

hi there im steve and my cock is big and hard want to see and have some fun i love to please and to pleasre you with my tongue to lick and suck you sexy clit till you squirt and cum in my mouth and moan with pleasure oh yes”

(Btw, did this guy just call me a sexy clit … or did he just forget the comma? God! Please let it be the latter.)

x

Like everything metaphysical the harmony between thought and reality is to be found in the grammar of the language.

Ludwig Wittgenstein