Unfortunately I didn’t sleep all that well the night before going to meet The Lawyer.
In the middle of the night, I suddenly woke up. I sat up. What had woken me up? Normally I have the perfect sleeping pattern. I go to sleep, stay asleep for between 7 and 10 hours without fail and wake up naturally. I looked at my watch. It was 5 am, the coldest and quietest time of night. I had gone to sleep almost 3 hours earlier … I should already be entering light REM … Why had I woken up so suddenly?
I breathed out slowly and, as I did, a voice / thought / statement (from where, God only knows!) ran through my head as clear as anything. It said: “Don’t go and meet him.”
I lay down and went back to sleep and before I knew it, it was time to meet The Lawyer. I was so late! Plus I had run out of airtime and data bundles so I couldn’t contact The Lawyer. I ran around like a banshee, pulling on clothes, spraying perfume everywhere, brushing my hair, looking for a pair of shoes that that were not totally F-Ugly.
I was in such a rush I totally forgot my 5am … whatever you call it … wake up call?
… Silly, silly girl …
Twenty minutes later, I ran up the steps and literally bumped into him coming the other way. He looked …. Hmmm … not half as good as in the picture he had sent me …
But I was there and what could I do? Turn around and leave? That would have been too rude for words! So I didn’t. He walked me to his table, we sat down and I ordered a coffee.
Oh, but if only I had just done what my feelings told me to at the moment I had set eyes on him! It would have saved me the most excruciating hour of forced conversation intercepted with unbelievably awkward silences … oh, the horror of it all! I have never even been on a blind date … let alone one where the guy I am meeting is in possession of some seriously intimate details about me … like knowing my favourite sexual position or the fact that I am not adverse to a bit of anal sex! I mean, my boyfriend of 3 years only found that one out from me after about a year!!!
Beyond absurd!
It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop shaking (Yes, I WAS that nervous. My heart was pumping so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest and my hands were SO betraying my unease). Nor did it help that, in this particular establishment, the coffee came in a plunger so I couldn’t hide my trembling hands under the table but had to navigate them around, preparing the coffee, milk AND sugar! (Note to self: order something simple and easy to drink next time! … Well, the way this was going … IF there was a next time!)
The longer we sat there, the more confused I became. He was saying things like “I am happy with what I see” and “Well, now that I have met you, I would like to continue. Let us set up an arrangement”. I could practically hear him fastidiously putting mental quotes around the word “arrangement”. (I mean seriously, dude! I know you're a lawyer and all ... but lighten up on the jargon!)
And here’s the weirdest thing: the entire time he sat there speaking to me, telling me that he wanted me as a F-Buddy, his eyes, vocal tone and body language told me a completely different story. He looked like he was sitting in a dentist’s chair, waiting for the drill. His expression reminded me slightly of my little sister’s when I forced her to pick up worms or slugs in the garden when we were young. He made me think of a group of guys on sabbatical or rugby tour together and they go into a strip joint for a laugh (and maybe more) and he’s the guy at the back of the group, trying to look as though he is totally into it and is as curious as the rest of them but deep down inside he is cringing and would do just about anything to get out of the situation … but daren’t - lest he is made to look like a complete pussy. So he pretends and goes along with it, all the while looking and feeling like he wishes he was any place but where he is at that moment.
And then, even more subtly insulting, The Lawyer states that there will be no possibility of meeting at his place. In other words, he would prefer not to be seen with me at all anywhere near where he lives or have me enter his house.
Hang on … but its fine that everyone sees me with you in the town I live in? And I am not allowed to sully your living space but am expected to allow you to enter mine?
OMG … seriously? Talk about different standards!
And the cherry on the top of this ill-fated meeting: when he left, he actually tried to shake my hand. I guess my vision of picking up slugs wasn’t so far off the mark after all … He seemed to be looking for a way to make the least physical contact possible! But I couldn’t bear the formality of it all a second longer. I took his right hand in my left hand, pulled him towards me, and kissed him … well, I meant to go for his neck or cheek but, once I got there, I just knew I was never ever going to be kissing his neck … and his cheek was a bit too far away as he was at least 6 inches taller than me.
… So the awkward meeting ended with an awkward kiss landing somewhere between his jaw line and Never Ever Again!
Oh, Mr. X! Why did it have to be so easy and fun with you? You really have set the Bar rather high ...even for a lawyer ...
x
In the middle of the night, I suddenly woke up. I sat up. What had woken me up? Normally I have the perfect sleeping pattern. I go to sleep, stay asleep for between 7 and 10 hours without fail and wake up naturally. I looked at my watch. It was 5 am, the coldest and quietest time of night. I had gone to sleep almost 3 hours earlier … I should already be entering light REM … Why had I woken up so suddenly?
I breathed out slowly and, as I did, a voice / thought / statement (from where, God only knows!) ran through my head as clear as anything. It said: “Don’t go and meet him.”
I lay down and went back to sleep and before I knew it, it was time to meet The Lawyer. I was so late! Plus I had run out of airtime and data bundles so I couldn’t contact The Lawyer. I ran around like a banshee, pulling on clothes, spraying perfume everywhere, brushing my hair, looking for a pair of shoes that that were not totally F-Ugly.
I was in such a rush I totally forgot my 5am … whatever you call it … wake up call?
… Silly, silly girl …
Twenty minutes later, I ran up the steps and literally bumped into him coming the other way. He looked …. Hmmm … not half as good as in the picture he had sent me …
But I was there and what could I do? Turn around and leave? That would have been too rude for words! So I didn’t. He walked me to his table, we sat down and I ordered a coffee.
Oh, but if only I had just done what my feelings told me to at the moment I had set eyes on him! It would have saved me the most excruciating hour of forced conversation intercepted with unbelievably awkward silences … oh, the horror of it all! I have never even been on a blind date … let alone one where the guy I am meeting is in possession of some seriously intimate details about me … like knowing my favourite sexual position or the fact that I am not adverse to a bit of anal sex! I mean, my boyfriend of 3 years only found that one out from me after about a year!!!
Beyond absurd!
It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop shaking (Yes, I WAS that nervous. My heart was pumping so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest and my hands were SO betraying my unease). Nor did it help that, in this particular establishment, the coffee came in a plunger so I couldn’t hide my trembling hands under the table but had to navigate them around, preparing the coffee, milk AND sugar! (Note to self: order something simple and easy to drink next time! … Well, the way this was going … IF there was a next time!)
The longer we sat there, the more confused I became. He was saying things like “I am happy with what I see” and “Well, now that I have met you, I would like to continue. Let us set up an arrangement”. I could practically hear him fastidiously putting mental quotes around the word “arrangement”. (I mean seriously, dude! I know you're a lawyer and all ... but lighten up on the jargon!)
And here’s the weirdest thing: the entire time he sat there speaking to me, telling me that he wanted me as a F-Buddy, his eyes, vocal tone and body language told me a completely different story. He looked like he was sitting in a dentist’s chair, waiting for the drill. His expression reminded me slightly of my little sister’s when I forced her to pick up worms or slugs in the garden when we were young. He made me think of a group of guys on sabbatical or rugby tour together and they go into a strip joint for a laugh (and maybe more) and he’s the guy at the back of the group, trying to look as though he is totally into it and is as curious as the rest of them but deep down inside he is cringing and would do just about anything to get out of the situation … but daren’t - lest he is made to look like a complete pussy. So he pretends and goes along with it, all the while looking and feeling like he wishes he was any place but where he is at that moment.
And then, even more subtly insulting, The Lawyer states that there will be no possibility of meeting at his place. In other words, he would prefer not to be seen with me at all anywhere near where he lives or have me enter his house.
Hang on … but its fine that everyone sees me with you in the town I live in? And I am not allowed to sully your living space but am expected to allow you to enter mine?
OMG … seriously? Talk about different standards!
And the cherry on the top of this ill-fated meeting: when he left, he actually tried to shake my hand. I guess my vision of picking up slugs wasn’t so far off the mark after all … He seemed to be looking for a way to make the least physical contact possible! But I couldn’t bear the formality of it all a second longer. I took his right hand in my left hand, pulled him towards me, and kissed him … well, I meant to go for his neck or cheek but, once I got there, I just knew I was never ever going to be kissing his neck … and his cheek was a bit too far away as he was at least 6 inches taller than me.
… So the awkward meeting ended with an awkward kiss landing somewhere between his jaw line and Never Ever Again!
Oh, Mr. X! Why did it have to be so easy and fun with you? You really have set the Bar rather high ...even for a lawyer ...
x
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