The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

More horror (war?) stories about the perils of hanging out with kids a full decade - or more - younger than you:

Tthe 2^nd time I hung out with ADD and Sexy Little Sister was not much better … because I slept with his best friend (Yes. Making his guest appearance once again: Little Fucker!).

Needless to say, biggest mistake ever.

Why?

Well, 1: ADD was beyond pissed off because Little Fucker scored where he had failed.

2: Little Fucker has a Madonna-Whore Complex and (cliché of clichés) proceeded to slag me off to all and sundry after he’d had me (seriously?).

And 3: ADD has the biggest mouth ever so his entire family found out too … and were so bleak and not impressed with me because they loved my boyfriend in Europe and didn’t think it was cool that I had cheated on him.

Hey! How many different ways can I explain this? I was blind drunk. It wasn’t my fault! I don’t see it as cheating really because I don’t even remember! And anyway, I swear I would not have slept with him if I hadn’t been so wasted. Truly!

Oh crap … how do I make this crystal clear? How do I explain concisely the way I get when I drink loads of alcohol?

Gimme a sec …

Got it!

Okay, to quote the comedian Wendy Liebman:

“The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.”

That’s me!

Third time: It was ADD’s birthday party at his place and I made Sexy Little Sister promise me that she would keep an eye on me, i.e. not let me get completely wasted and fall into bed with Little Fucker again.  She swore blind she had my back.

As it turned out, she made it her evening’s mission to get me as wasted as possible and then sat back, watching Little Fucker plot his move and take me to bed again. (And when I say plot his move, I mean: ignore me all evening, then, when he can see I am fading, suddenly jump on me and steer me towards the staircase.)

So, at 1 am, Little Fucker took my (very drunk and therefore very compliant) hand, led me upstairs exactly 20 minutes before I was due to pass out (yes, he’s only interested in getting himself off, ever!) and had his way with me.

Just before sunrise, I woke up to Little Fucker taking me from behind. God! It felt amazing. So natural and sexy and unbelievably hot. I started to move against him and, in his excitement, he suddenly started to thrust … harder and harder.

“What the fuck?” came a voice from next to us. OMG! Yet another of ADD’s friends had decided to stay the night and he was in the double bed with us. Acting like the little prude that he obviously is, he jumped up off the bed and stormed downstairs to the couch. But some one was already sleeping on it. So there was a long, pointless monologue about where was he going to sleep and how cold he was … blah blah blah …

Then the heckles began. From below us, Little Fucker’s friends started:

“Are you really having sex up there, dude?”

And being the pussy he is, Little Fucker muttered “No”. But he carried on, sliding himself in and out of me, slowly but methodically …

My God! It was so good … slow and sexy and … just right … and at least I could remember it this time!

But the more the heckles continued (“Seriously, bro. that’s disgusting! You are such a man whore. We are right here and you are having sex. Who are you shafting up there anyway?”), the more embarrassed Little Fucker got and finally he cracked under the pressure. He slid out of me (despite my whispered pleas for him not to stop) and turned over and went to sleep. (Note to self: if you are going to play with children … expect them to act like children).

And of course, the next morning when I came downstairs, they all judged me. They all looked at me like I was some dirty whore. And no, Little Fucker didn’t make it any easier. He point-blank ignored me. And then they sniggered and catcalled things like “Walk of Shame” as I left and made my way up to the main house.

… And you were wondering why I call him Little Fucker?

So now can you understand my ever-so-slight trepidation about going out with ADD or Sexy Little Sister?

With a track record like that, who wouldn’t be just the slightest bit apprehensive?

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