Side of Phallus with your morning coffee?

Ummm .... no thanks?

So I posted this Dear Diary post on TSS the other day because I seriously am getting fed up of a whole lot of willies staring me in the face the minute I open my Inbox. And some one needs to tell some of these guys that the way they are going about trying to get NSA sex is not as sexy as they might think.

They seem to be under the impression that every girl on this site is exactly like them and wants dirty, twisted, smutty and very graphic from the word “Go”.

I admit, I am more up for this that I ever could have imagined. But a girl still needs a certain amount of wooing, even if it is just a nice profile photo and a message that is spelt properly.

Okay, I know I might not have a whole lot of experience yet in this game (yes, for those of you who are counting, it has only been Mr. X I have gotten down and dirty with so far - even if we didn't go as far as we might have ...). But some one has to give some of these guys a couple of pointers!

So here it is:

Yes, yes. I am a big, fat liar (figuratively, not literally - promise!).

So I did hook up with a married man ... 

But I am keeping my diary entries to a minimum now, for various reasons.

Including the fact that The Lawyer (aka The Mistake) got really pissed off with my diary entry about him and told me that I didn't have his permission to quote his private emails to me (yes, complete douche!) and to please delete said post.

So I caved (without so much as consulting my legal connections first – silly, silly girl!) and removed that diary post.

Pity, some of my best writing ... but watch this space. Might have a vindictive moment and re-post it (in an even less flattering light) just to bug him.

Hee hee ... 

Anyway, back to the point at hand:

So, I got an email from this guy on The Sexy Site aka TSS (okay, about 10 of them) and, basically, he was really pissed because I had not replied to any of his messages.

What is it about guys and their fragile egos on this site?

Deep breath, guys. Deep breath.

And repeat after me: NSA, NSA.  

“S” standing not only for “Strings”, but also “Sentiments” and “Sensitivities”.

Listen dude. I click on profiles and / or messages that I like the look of. And that obviously rules out yours. Because the last thing I want to be looking at while I type you a message is a close-up of your T-H-A-N-G.

As much as I might very well want it doing all sorts of wicked things to me later, I do like to start slow … Yes, even if this IS an online random hook-up, sex site.

So, right in my face from the word "Go!" ... umm ... Can we slow it down just a tad?

Maybe try and see this whole online sex thing as very similar to anal sex.

You have to ease into it … slowly.

Don’t get me wrong. Of course I am curious as to size, shape, cut, uncut, etc. etc.. But couldn’t we start a little more gently (again, think anal), like maybe with a picture of your face or chest or back?

And if it has to be sexy, how about a photo of said Impressive Member entering a lady, for example. And once again, think … yes: anal!

Or better yet, a profile pic of your back and your bum. Oh, wow! I have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t look good from the back: your tight cheeks, those shoulders …

Oh God, Yes Please!

Yet hardly a one of you guys on TSS have such a profile pic.

Hmmm, go figure …

So, basically, I don’t want your Organ straight in my face immediately. Maybe later, okay?

… Or actually … I very much hope later!

But for the moment, as in right now, when I am online checking you out and have only your profile pic to go on ... not so much.

So if you have a huge close-up of your Willy as your main profile pic, chances are I am not gonna click on you, let alone read your message.

Same goes for the guys whose faces I don’t like. Look dude, you have NO RIGHT whatsoever to get offended. Pretty much same as in real life - if i ignore you, its because I am not interested, full stop.

And anyway, this site is not that different to online shopping. It goes more often than not as follows:

1.  I click on what I like the look of (and yes, the face is pretty much the deciding factor. But hey, that’s just me … What can I say? I’m an aesthetic whore!).

2.  If I decide I want it, I order it. 

3.   In lieu of payment I give my telephone number and / or address. 

4.   Then, when the “Goods” arrive, I check them out and sample them. 

5.   If satisfied, I settle in to enjoy said Goods. 

6.   If I'm not happy with what I see / smell / feel, I send the Goods packing.

Simple as that.

Understood?

Great.

Now onto a couple of other pointers about profile pics on TSS:

If you have no profile picture whatsoever, forget it. No! I am not wasting my time. (Yes, I DO receive that many messages.)

And if you have done that creepy thing where you put a black strip across your eyes - Hell no! Let's just say, it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in me ... and conjures up images of seriously dodgy individuals (the words “paedophile”, “rapist”, "mug shot" spring to mind ...).

But then again, don't quote me on any of this. Week end, I might throw this preference out the window without so much as a second glance.

Case in point: my stance on married men. Ha ha! That one lasted all of 22 hours!

Now time to sit back and let’s see if any of these aesthetically challenged individuals take my words to heart (Don’t worry, I’m not holding my breath either).

x

"You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view."

Maureen Lipman